I was at Coles supermarket yesterday afternoon, and I was getting toothpaste from the shelf. I walked out the trolley just behind mum, and I dumped the toothpaste into the trolley. I threw it in, and then I looked at the trolley carefully. There, laid a large container of Smooth Kraft Peanut butter. I stood there, thinking 'Wait a second, didn't I pull a blue bottle out...' I stood there for quite some time, thinking thinking thinking. Then this lady came up to me and said, 'That's my cart :) ...' My vision came back and I knew I was definately looking at the wrong trolley. I apologised and left. Whoops.

There's something wrong with my body. It may be that I've shifted into a lazy-mode from doing absolutely nothing during the past week. I've been too tired to do anything. And even if I just go out for a walk, or a quick trip to the market - my fuel tank goes dry instantly. It takes no effort for me. I can barely stand sometimes.

Today, I was with mum shopping at David Jones (a huge retail store in Australia, like [for you guys from KL] Isetan or Metrojaya) for... gee, I can't remember - stuff? Well, yes we were shopping for stuff, and while mum was browsing through the items, I was standing there feeling very faint. My feet started to hurt bad, to the point where they couldn't hold me up any longer. My eyelids were half open. My body felt like shutting down on the spot. The carpeted floor looked like such a comfortable place.

My face is so screwed up. Jude said I'm starting to look like Lisa Li. She's this little guy girl in Year 7 who doesn't wash her hair or bathe properly or with soap, and she's got this nasty smell mouth problem, where it just goes all red around her lips. However, my face is a little different. Ever since I've been washing my face with Cetaphil and treating my fsck acne, my face has dried up like Australia's desert today. It makes me look like some junkie, who hasn't shaved in what looks like 2 years. It's really bad. I'm starting to feel a little embarassed to leave the house now.

I need to go back to the gym and tennis training. If I don't, I think I'm going to gain that 2kg back reaaaaal quick. I'm thankful that I'll be doing stuff again from this coming Saturday onwards. On Sunday, Nommy and I are going to Music Camp. Besides all the intense concurrent rehearsing, hopefully it will all be fun.

You know, sometimes I don't even think about home back in Malaysia. Sometimes I would think that my current status in Australia is home. I would be sitting on the couch, just bumming out, thinking is this home? Or... is it not? I love to confuse myself. I don't do it on purpose though. Not even accidentally. I just seem to forget. I forget about home and going home. I don't even think about it. I can last so much longer here without suffering from homesick syndrome, and I think this is because there's nothing much for me back home. There's the new Mont Kiara Damai apartment unit, which is lovely and beautiful and all, but it's just the same old thing. There're my friends - old pals from AISM. Something tells me I hardly get to meet up with them, and everytime we do, it's just same old thing. To me, sometimes, home just isn't such a big deal.
You may shoot me, for saying such a thing.

I was thinking about my dad. Why is he such a selfish bastard? He recently gave me a top-up for my bank account in Australia. He gave me half of what he usually gives. Before he sent the money, he asked me what I had been spending my money on. I mentioned Year 10 Formal, groceries and miscellaneous items. I brought up the idea of him paying for my gym fees, instead of mum. He told me, 'If you gym continues after this term, I will cut all of your allowance off.' I rushed the phonecall with 'Fine fine, don't give me money then. I'm fine. I'll be fine. GOOD BYE.'

I've got the money now. I can spend again. I don't have to live in some sort of a famine anymore. I can buy those chucks that I've been thinking about, the face wash set from Dermalogica (sp?), phone credit, Riana's birthday present. But I feel so threatened into not using the money. I'm too afraid to spend it on anything. Even if it was important. He never buys Ri and me anything when we're back home in KL, anyway. He hardly does! So why should this be such a problem? It'll be the same bloody thing, if you ask me.

I'm too afraid to ask for anything from mum, too. I keep thinking she's too low on money, so I reduce all that hassle for her. I'm just too afraid to ask. I think I won't get any X'mas presents that I want this time around. I don't even think I want anything from them.

i swear i'll never give in, i refuse

Cheers.
PS. Have you ever been given a present by surprise? Like, you really really wanted and wished for it, yet somehow you knew you weren't going to get it - and you got it in the end? I wish I could feel that kind of surprise and happiness. It must be really nice.